Why see a neurodivergent therapist

As a counsellor, my approach to therapy is based on how neurodivergent individuals fundamentally process information and perceive the world differently compared to neurotypical people. Traditional therapeutic approaches can be limited as they apply a one sized fits all solution across neurotypes. I personally spent years trying various therapies with little effect, before realizing they weren’t effective for me because they did not take address my underlying neurodivergence, which is foundational to who you are as a person and to the relationships in your life.

Masking

One of the issues with normal therapeutic approaches is that if you are a high masking individual, you may be too good at fooling your therapist and even the people around you. Late diagnosed neurodivergent people have likely been conditioned throughout their life to hide their condition from others, and may themselves be unaware of the true extent that this masking takes place. Belonging is a deep need all human beings share, but when you are regularly punished and shamed for being different, you learn from a very early age to suppress vital parts of who you for protection, camouflaging yourself in social environments, rather than daring to express yourself authentically.

However, this subterfuge doesn’t just include other people, as you may have internalized this level of masking even to yourself, which can make it very difficult to give language to a traditional therapist as to why you might be struggling, as you could lack insight into your own masking strategies. In other words, we can build a labyrinth of psychological defenses to hide our own neurodivergence from others, to the extent we may even be fooling ourselves, and may need a neurodivergent sensitive counsellor who can see through our own mask.

The need for acceptance

We may have normalized our experience of being neurodivergent to the extent that we may falsely assume that people regularly experience the same challenges, or attribute these difficulties to a personal flaw or failing, mistaking the struggles that come with being neurodivergent for other causes. At first in my own journey towards an AuDHD diagnosis I believed that there was something wrong with me, and tried to find a mental health diagnosis in my early twenties that could accurately fit my experience, but to no avail. For almost a decade afterwards I deduced that trauma and unresolved grief were the primary source of my struggles. I further rationalized this through developing an intensive meditation practice and by engaging in mind-body modalities such as mindfulness, bodywork and yoga; believing that I could somehow work my way through my condition.

While I believe embodied and somatic approaches are life-changing, and are truly critical for working with neurodivergence, nothing can fix or change the way your nervous system is wired. You could see endless amounts of therapists, but if they are not able to take into account your neurodivergent wiring, you could spend an entire lifetime in a never-ending quest for healing and self-improvement to try to fix who you are. What is often needed is to be truly seen and accepted for who you are, underneath the layers of masking and conditioning. Not to ‘treat’ your neurodivergence like a problem to fix, but rather to build your life around accommodating it, while simultaneously honoring the strengths you possess.

Getting out of your head

One way that some neurodivergent individuals may attempt to overcompensate for their condition is by becoming a highly self-reflective person as a form of emotional regulation. While a large majority of individuals avoid introspection as a form of avoidance or self-protection, like anything attaining balance is crucial, and too much focus on self-awareness can become detrimental. Consciousness raising, or attaining self-insight, is one of the primary methods of change utilised in most forms of therapy, but placing too much focus on this can lead to excessive intellectualisation without touching upon the emotional core of your experience.

This is where the difference between awareness and understanding comes in. As it is one thing to have your issues highlighted to you by a professional, which can be a detached and clinical experience that could leave you feeling unseen and left out in the cold. It is another for your own experience of being neurodivergent to be mirrored back to you by someone who has experienced their own version of that reality, and can empathically relate back to you from a place of mutual understanding.

Equal footing

Counselling as we know it today has evolved out of the medical model. As a result, many therapists can adapt a paternalistic approach to counseling, similar to the way a doctor is regarded by a patient; as an authority figure who is seen to hold all the answers. This makes perfect sense in the medical world, where life and death situations are an everyday occurrence, and you are putting your life directly into someone else’s hands. This style of relating however is fundamentally different to the relationships we normally have outside of a paternal relationship, and yet is regularly mirrored to fully grown adults by therapists.

Neurodivergent people are particularly prone to not perceiving implicit power structures and authority, they tend to relate to others as equals; often standing against people in positions of power and privilege, which runs completely counter to this approach. When they do not respond well to this traditional style of counselling, often they are blamed, and made to feel like they are the problem, when what they need is someone who is able to relate to them at the same level.